No but seriously. They lack in taste, shape and all that jazz and I'll tell you why: They don't exist. I'm not fooling you son, they actually don't exist. Black olives are just green olives which through a chemical process have been dyed black with acid and pasteurised.
When green olives get to hang long enough on the olive trees they do get a little darker from the sun but never black and without their pits. Like the ones in your can.
So ditch the fake black shoe polish olives and turn to to the green organic ones. Because once you go green you never go back. Haaa.